so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
