The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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