I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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