It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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