Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
