so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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