It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
