Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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