Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My ass is underappreciated
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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