Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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