i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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