tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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