Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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