i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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