I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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