got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
