At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
