i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
