Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
