Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I puked a lego.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
