Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
