if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
