i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
