Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I checked into jail on foursquare
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
