Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
