Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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