Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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