I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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