grandma shit on top of the toilet
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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