I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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