you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
