my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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