I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
