Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
