I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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