someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
