Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
