i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
