Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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