3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if only i could text you this smell
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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