i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
