did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
