come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
