woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
