He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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