god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
