What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
