you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
