i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
