How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
